Monday, September 11, 2006

11 September 2005

Back from the wooded north. I left last Thursday to spend three days with my father up in Marston, Quebec. For three days, I had a diet of classic Westerns thanks to the Lone Star channel, a regular supply of beer, backwoods ambiance in abundance, and dog-hair everywhere...I've gotten far more used to my dad's yellow Labrador Tubby now that there's one in my own life. (Buddy, the big gooby...) It was good to get away from all of the work-related bullshit...You know...the possiblity of striking at my place of employment, the BUSHit of the current administration, Gulf War II, the general malaise of U.S. life in general... Life seems simpler up there...It's easy to see why Westerns and country music are so big up there...When I took a walk along the main road to on my last day there, it's not hard to cast your mind back in time a century and some change to the frontier-days...the wide open spaces, the farmhouses, the rolling hills, the mountain ranges, the sprawling but close-knit smalltown community...I got some weird stares when taking photographs with my digital camera but it was worth it. I also found myself missing my man while I was up there. I surprise myself how much I love Bill. I've spent my whole life VERY dubious of love's existence, cynical of its necessity, and VERY fearful of being in ANY sort of relationship. Being IN one meant being controlled, being imprisoned. I chalk that up to my upbringing with Mom. The longer I spend with Bill, the more those fears are put to rest...sometimes the old fears whisper: "You could do better, you could be FREE to be a slut, you could follow lust wherever you wanted..." But that's a fantasy. I remember how lonely I was, how forsaken I felt. I think of Bill and his insular life. Well, my life was insular as well...albeit not as much. But now we are homebodies together, enjoying each other's company, watching movies, listening to music, going to dinner, just BEING with each other...I always glad to be around him, I miss him when I'm NOT with him, I hurry to get BACK to him whenever I'm traveling...and that's exactly what I did when I came back down to New Hampshire on Saturday morning/afternoon...I guess I must be in love... My dad was misting up when I left him. He must really miss me. Bill says that as he gets older, he's probably regretting all the moments he missed when I was growing up. Poor guy. "It's not good-bye", I told him. "It's farewell..." God forbid, but I hope this isn't the last time I see him alive. I worry about him sometimes...his drinking, his smoking, his lack of health-insurance...(Well, Jesus, who can afford $430 a month on a retiree's income?) I smelled woodsmoke last night. There's a chill in the air...In my mind, autumn has begun... All for now...GaP

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