Monday, September 26, 2005

Brand New Pervading Sense of Doom...and a friend's response

Hello, Russ... (Hi G--,) You ever just get tired? Of humanity? The Way Things Work? (Yes, I do.) Ghandi once said "Be the change that you want to see in the world." Shit, I don't have that much energy anymore. I wish I could be that warm life of the party that people naturally gravitate towards. One of those people that get things done, follow their dreams, and just have a love of life and humanity that generates this feeling of goodwill. The kind of that you get when a good circle of friends...or better yet...a set of strangers get together and become friends over a chat over a few drinks in a pub somewhere. The seeds are planted where potential friendships can blossom. (That scene is a fiction for the likes of you and me. We aren't the "hail fellow, well met" types. Once in a while we can enjoy the casual pub atmosphere, truly enjoy light hearted and shallow conversations ... but then the deeper places call and we have all we can deal with just maintaining life in the gravity of our thoughts.) I don't have the energy to reach out anymore, to just strike up a friendly conversation with any old person propping up the bar. I've drifted towards being suspicious or at least wary of strangers in general. Too many soundbite-parakeets and conventional-thinkers out there. Or maybe that's being judgemental. (It's not where you are right now. And a lot of people are conventional. That's how we've gotten into the mess we're in.) I don't know. It's just hard shaking this pervading sense of doom. And oh yes, my colleagues all had things to say. Between now and January 1400 flight attendants will be being furloughed. The morale is one of Death Row Resignation. At least on my part. But it WOULD be, wouldn't it? (How's your seniority number? Yep ... it's a grim time around the salt mine. I think the airline will be about half it's current size when this is all finished.) When I went to visit my dad, I there was this autumnal nse of ENDING as I sat on my dad's porch, watching the last days of summer go by. I wondered what was coming to an end? My job? My hopes and dreams? My dad's existence? He told me that he'd just completed his last will and testament and that all things were in order. He's accepted his personal autumn. There's just such a sense of quiet futility hanging over me lately. (I'll bet your feeling was brought on by the will talk and the airline running aground. Like all feelings it will pass. We are not our feelings; they are conditions we experience; like hot and cold.) Is there a point to all this? Existence and humanity in general? (Yes there is. But from my position here just a millimeter above the primordial ooze I can tell what it is. I'm sending you a book by a professor here at the University of Virginia. If the premise of his department's research proves to be true we'll find that we don't have a whole lot of choice about life. We're in it, we always have been ... the only choice we have, perhaps, is how to live it.) I forewent going to the Kraz today because of a)boredom b)funds c)hangover-burnout d)that old standby good, old-fashioned apathy. (Listen to your self. Listen to what is going on inside. And then don't judge it. Again ... just experience it. By adopting this attitude I've learned that I don't have to fear the fall out of my emotions. And when the fear goes away the depth of the emotions increases.) Ah least the love-interest is going okay. I haven't managed to fuck THAT up, anyway... (That's good. It's good to not be alone.) Hope all is going well with you, Captain...Praise the Karmic Wheel and Pass the ammunition...GaP (Sounds like a good plan to me!)


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