Friday, January 12, 2007

Getting A Clue?

My vacation has begun. I won't have to see the inside of a plane or even be NEAR an airport for the rest of the month. Yesterday, I puttered around the house got a few little procrastination projects done...and then went to see my significant other. I made a quick stop into town to get an errand done and stopped in to see my lawyer friend. I reiterated the reasons why I was done with the international trip bullshit. So I got the fatherly(but friendly) advice speech about what my next step in life was going to be. Now that is the scary question that's been hovering in my mental periphery for a good long time now. This man, this lawyer, this ex-Ambassador(to Belize), this respectable pillar of society and extreme Democrat(Thank God)was challenging me to realizing some of my potential, to maybe even become GREAT. He's basically asking me to fan the embers of some of my talents and/or interests to begin the next chapter of my life. But change is frightening, isn't it? And then there's my sputtering motiviation factor...gung-ho one second, fuck-it-all the next. It's endemic to my Gemini stature. Two extremes in one personality, the yin/yang flipping over each other incessantly. Kind/Viciously Sarcastic, slacker/respectable citizen, can-do positive/nihilistically negative, laser-focused/lackadaisical... How am I going to start fresh if I don't even have a destination or game-plan? All I know is that I don't want to be breathing other peoples' air in a steel-tube on my way out to another hotel-room exile for the rest of my life. I stand at the path with many other directions branching out in front of me. Am I going to wait there forever for the giant hand of God or some other imaginary all-purpose spiritual deity/cosmic-force to show me the way? And then there's the money factor. I'm barely keeping my head above water as it is financially. I don't want to become yet another American buried in debt and spending month-to-month feverishly scrabbling and clawing my way out? What do I do? How do I evolve? GaP

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