Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Exhaustive Self-Loathing...

I just did my first domestic trip after a long vacation...and while it was basically easier, it drove home the fact that I really don't want to be doing the jet-set thing anymore. I find that I'm putting up a wall around myself, blankly staring through people, scraping through with the bare minimum... I'm just so jaded with humanity. Everyone and everything seems so utterly pointless, trite, and absurd to me. I see people as sheep...a bunch of vapid zombies yakking into their cellphones, cheering on the latest mass-media sports event, or filling the air with inanities like the weather, what they do for a living, or what exotic location they just came from. A bunch of labels believing themselves to be individuals... I wish I could reach out, get to know people, engage in friendly small talk but I can't really see the point. It never leads to anything like friendships or meaningful conversation. I know it takes work to CHANGE, to cultivate positivity...but it's too exhausting. So I put up walls, make as little eye contact as possible, limit my conversation. I'm a robot keeping my distance... I blame the job but the real truth is the picture I included above. How do you find your path or passion when you think that everything is pointless and ineffectual? Most of all yourself? In a world where everything is commerce and commodity, how are you able to be anything more than a sellout or somebody's meal-ticket? Sorry. My thoughts aren't very well-organized...Let's hear it for the long, dark mid-winter afternoon of the soul...

2 Comments:

Blogger Proxima said...

Do you ever go hiking/backpacking?

Meeting people while hiking on a trail and liking eachother enough to set up camp nearby is the nicest way to meet new people and have a meaningful conversations. There are no distractions except those pertinent to survival.

I would not recommend more then three days if your not a avid backpacker or if your ill-equipped .
-P

6:18 PM  
Blogger Bueller said...

Thanks for the advice...I have a good friend who likes to head up to the mountains for that very thing. And for getting sloshed around the campfire. Nice group setting, some familiar faces along with the new...could be worth doing if I galvanized my ass...GaP

6:42 AM  

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