Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Thinking Out Of The Bottle

There are some magical little moments of humanity that make it all worth it…You get a glimpse of the wonderful absurdity behind reality’s curtain that holds us all together…This morning, this…well, I guess you could call her a street person…bag-lady…whatever. She was pacing around rapidly, spouting non-sequitors to whoever was nearby. She was ambling around as if she were on a mission but she was actually aimless… Meanwhile, across the street, near the bank, there was this street-sweeper singing what sounded like an old blues song. When she came into his range, she began providing him with a counter-point beat, a marching “ha-yup,ha-yup,ha-yup!” sort of rhythm…They worked off each other, their completely different perspectives melding together into a sort of jam-session…A complete surprise and delight…something you can’t pay for or commodify. This was a glimpse into a higher-reality…or at least the wilder shores of sanity…It was a clear view of our shared humanity, how messy and incongruous we can all be to each other…and our commonality. And when I got onto the bus, this older gent, a bit slow, maybe a bit medicated, was rambling on about his childhood in Manchester and the rough-looking lady “translating” for him to the bus-driver was telling this story about how she’d been raped…All of these people…whom society wouldn’t be comfortable with, were providing me with an understanding of humanity that no classroom could ever provide, no philosopher could ever summarize… I also came to a realization yesterday. I am not really meant to be a drinker…okay, I’ll say it…I am an alcoholic…do it in caps…ALCOHOLIC. I had this long talk with Bill about it and he agreed to be my watchdog over whether I’ve had too much. So we hunkered down to watch more of 24 Season 3…I had three beers over the course of the three hours…but the whole time it was a considerable effort to slow down…I wanted to get DRUNK…and it was an effort of will to pace myself. I woke up with a slight headache. I decided that it was not something that I wanted to really deal with…but the lure of alcohol and the romance of the ribald, boozy, comraderie is a strong one…So that means I have to think of what to do if I find myself in situations where I would be offered a drink…a glass of wine or whatever? Do I pass? Do I nurse? Am I just obsessing? With booze, I seem to know when to stop but I tend to drink too fast…because I’m in a hurry to get buzzed, to get DRUNK. Not good. And that has to be addressed. In addition to this, I think I’m undergoing an identity-shift…similar to when I lost all the weight when I was a teenager, comparable to when I had to come to grips with my sexuality…I’m ready to change. I seem to be drifting out of comics(which I’m trying to resist…that’s a HUGE part of my identity that I don’t want to leave behind…), becoming closer to another person who is VERY important to me…important enough not to botch up with nascent alcoholism…,and there also seems to be this need for clarity. Maybe it’s a manifestation of finally getting off my ass and doing something with my life…finding success and fulfillment in a way that works for ME… Let the adventure continue…GaP


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a good post. I always try to appreciate the simple things. Trying not to drink must be truly difficult. I should be fortunate that my primary addiction is sugar.

Take Care!

4:44 PM  
Blogger Bueller said...

Actually, thus far, it's not as hard as I would have thought. Typically, I was obssessing over it and expending more effort than the actual abstinence would take. THAT is a very good sign. And, as I said, it just doesn't feel like something I really NEED anymore at this point...

Thanks for the comment...GaP

5:28 AM  

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