Friday, October 21, 2005

The Blues Ain't About Feelin' GOOD...

Kerryman... Actually, I'm not a fan of "The Blues"...Too tired as a genre. I prefer my mope-music to be a bit more... erudite if I can sound like a rock/music snob. Just spent a week in Scotland and I have to say that I enjoyed it...but the lustre has faded a bit. Nothing to do with that beautiful country or the salt-of-the-earth folk who call it home. It's me. I've become so burned out on travel and the human race that GETTING to and from sucks ass, you know? I've got THREE AMS in a row coming up(Shit, that's like a regular pilot trip). I'm sure I'll run into you... Be on the edge, my friend...and Batman Returns has come out and I fucking OWN it, bitch! Yeah! -- Kerry wrote: > G---, It's been awhile dude. Thanks for the Blues> email, it hit the nail on the head. I am stuck in> MSP for Oct but have multiple layovers in AMS in> Oct. Hope to see you there and knock down a few. > Hope all is well with you these days. Take care.> > Kerry> If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never> really understood> the whys and wherefores, here are some very> fundamental rules:> > 1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."> > 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the> Blues,> unless you stick something nasty in the next line> like,> "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."> > 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line> right, repeat it.> Then find something that rhymes - sort of:> "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.> Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in> town.> Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500> pound."> > 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a> ditch, you stuck in a> ditch...ain't no way out.> > 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and> broken-down trucks.> Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility> Vehicles.> Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a> southbound train.> Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't> even in the running.> Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. > So does fixin' to> die.> > 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'> to die yet.> Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means> being old enough> to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in> Memphis.> > 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in> Hawaii or Canada.> Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably> just clinical> depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are> still the best places> to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any> place that> don't get no rain.> > 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues.> A woman with male pattern baldness is.> Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the> Blues.> Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on> it is.> > 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a> shopping mall.> The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot> or sit by the> dumpster.> > 10. Good places for the Blues:> A. highway> B. jailhouse> C. empty bed> D. bottom of a whiskey glass> > 11. Bad places for the Blues:> A. Nordstrom> B. gallery openings> C. Ivy League institutions> D. golf courses> > 12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a> suit,> unless you happen to be an old person, and you slept> in it.> > 13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?> Yes, if:> A. you're older than dirt> B. you're blind> C. you shot a man in Memphis> D. you can't be satisfied> > No, if:> A. you have all your teeth> B. you were once blind but now can see> C. the man in Memphis lived> D. you have a 401K or trust fund> > 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of> bad luck.> Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston> could have.> Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.> > 15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you> gasoline, it's the> Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:> A. cheap wine> B. whiskey or bourbon> C. muddy water> D. black coffee> > The following are NOT Blues beverages:> A. Perrier> B. Merlot> C. Snapple> D. Slim Fast> > 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun> shack, it's a Blues> death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is> another Blues way to die.> So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying> lonely on a> broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you> die during a tennis> match or while getting liposuction.> > 17. Some Blues names for women:> A. Sadie> B. Big Mama> C. Bessie> D. Fat River Dumpling> > 18. Some Blues names for men:> A. Joe> B. Willie> C. Little Willie> D. Big Willie> > 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber,> Jennifer, Debbie, and> Heather cannot sing the Blues no matter how many men> they shoot in> Memphis. Kevin, Archibald and Trevor cannot have the> Blues, any> more than Eufracio, Sven, Heinrich or Guglielmo.> > 20. Blues Name Starter Kit:> A. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame,> etc.)> B. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,> Lime, Kiwi, etc.)> C. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,> Fillmore, Clinton, etc.)> For example: Blind Watermelon Jefferson, Pegleg> Lemon Johnson or Lame> Kiwi Clinton, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")> > 21. Ain't no mind how tragic your life is, if you> own a computer, you> cannot sing the blues. Period. Sorry.> >

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