Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Thoughts On The Subject...

What we've been up to... "I was thinking about the respective paths we’ve taken individually these past few years. Being more true to our authentic self, starting down that road, leaving the “old way” behind, are we any happier? Is there any sense of greater satisfaction? The only thing I can identify is that I’m more genuine. But that’s like saying “I’m not going to wear clothes just to be fashionable.” Where is the sense of happiness or satisfaction? I’d like to hear your thoughts on this." ---------------------------------------------------------- Russ... And hear them you shall. The easiest example I can draw is to refer to your experience...that is considering going back to your wife for HER sake, live the PLEASANTVILLE facade at the cost of your growth and self-discovery. You KNOW that would have been a living death. An empty exercise designed to keep up appearances. And you know what? Your wife would have eventually sensed it and you own self-worth and positivity would have rotted out from the inside. Don't you think that would have self-destructed in a FAR grander fashion than a mere divorce? Or worse, a quiet, living death pondering the "could-have-beens". Speaking from my own point-of-view and more importantly Bill's...When I was going home on the bus after having a near-sexual encounter with Julie T. and NOT HAVING ANY REACTION, I felt this deep, inescapable depression...a prelude to the whole closet-outcoming. Deep down, I KNEW that if I was going to be going for the "normal", heterosexual life, I would have been living a lie. And if ANYone knows about that, it's Bill. In the twenty-five years of marriage during which he helped to raise a son, he KNEW something was off. He told me of nights when he would wait LONG after his wife went to bed so she would be asleep LONG after he slinked into bed. They stayed on either side of the bed...a cold distance. Eventually, his wife iniated the divorce because Bill was immobilized. He'd lived the lie for SO long, it BECAME a reliable truth, merely backround noise. ("I know it's approaching torture, but I've got my routine."--Aimee Mann, MOMENTUM) He feared change. (Who among us doesn't?) He went through his own amount of soul-searching and nearly took his own life coming to terms with things. And here he is. So to answer your question...While following our path maybe sometimes difficult but at least we're on our way on or TO something REAL. It's not heading off in the complete opposite direction. (Anakin Skywalker, anyone? Talk about a living nightmare, about being DEAD in a life that you never wanted...The genius of George Lucas is that Anakin's fate seemed sort of like a dark, alternative universe to the way things SHOULD have gone...much like one of those STAR TREK parallel universes that get fixed by the end of the episode...) You may feel pain when you slip or when you doubt yourself...but being TRUE to yourself is ultimately worth it, I think. And remember, Russ, this is ME talking...the one who sometimes stares into the abyss and yearns to be swallowed up by it so he doesn't have to think or FEEL anymore. Current point on MY path...although it sunk my mood a bit, a passenger ripped me a new hole for manhandling his luggage. (I won't bore you with the details...) Throughout the whole tirade, I kept my cool. His rant was SO fiery at one point that another passenger ran back to the galley to tell my co-workers. It was over by the time she showed up. He calmed down toward the end of the flight...During the taxi, he was burying his face in his hands and couldn't meet my eyes during the deplaning process. Doesn't matter because I was ignoring HIM too...I think that's SOME kind of progress... Heading out on my second of three AMS in a row. Remind me to tell you about my first bonafide paranormal experience...Also, keep me apprised of your moving/address status. Keep the faith, my brother...You are an important force in my life. Don't know what I would have done without you all of these years exchanging electrons... All The Best...GaP


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