Friday, February 03, 2006

Stinkin' Thinkin'

Russ... Hi G--! Glad that you're doing well...and that your silence was due to having a bitchin' adventure abroad. I've had three weeks of vacation and didn't even LOOK at a plane... I know what you mean ... the airplane/airport scene made me feel like I was at work. And then the $1,350 ticket I had to buy for my son to get out of South America was an added "bonus." That's why, in my quiet time now and to come, I want to travel by wind powered boat. Had a stinkin' thinkin' winter psyche-glitch. I went through this phase where I wasn't sure how I felt about Bill. The tiny concern flowered into a full-blown obsession. Jesus! What is it about relationship that uncorks the angels and demons in us? This basically pointed to some deep-seated bullshit in my hard-wiring: The fear of love, of BEING loved, and the tendency to create mental melodramas where none exist. In other words, if things are going too smoothly, THAT feels wrong. Only chaos and insecurity feels normal. He came over the house during the week and underneath the layers of fear, I felt a warmth, connection, and attaction there. He loves me with all of his heart. And I guess that must have freaked me. He's not possessive or anything...I've just never had that experience, you know? Wow! That's pretty amazing that you fear it so. You have been living in hell so long you don't even recognize, you are afraid, when the good stuff shows up. Thanks for sending the photos. The Antarctica lady seems really...exquisite. Elegant. Have you found a connection with her? Yes I have. She lives on the other side of America and that is most inconvenient. But this means we can explore the world and universe through written and spoken words, occasional visits and occasional adventures. It's a multidimensional relationship. We started as friends, sharing words and ideas and after two years the relationship continues to mature and grow sweeter and richer. She a woman with courage to discover and follow her authentic path. Ray adopted a dog this week. An eleven year-old gold labrador whose next stop was probably the glue-factory. He's far from a cripple case...but chances are no one would have adopted a dog at that age. Ray needed a dog to care for. It was a missing piece of his personality. And now he's having the best time taking Buddy everywhere. I'm including a photo and I hope it isn't a repeat. Nope, this is the first time I've seen Buddy. Good for Ray. It's quite a commitment ... but what a neat thing to have a friend who doesn't talk. I've been wondering why we can't be more like dogs; happy, very happy, with anyone with whom we find ourselves. As long as they have grub and aren't beaten, they wag their tail and are delighted and in love with the person or people with whom they live. So what's wrong with us. Saw BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Wow. Larry McMurtry collaborated on the screenplay and it SHOWS. Fragile human lives and connections across a starkly beautiful Western landscape...Paths not taken, yearnings not heeded, and heavy regrets. It's a hallmark of his writing... I saw it yesterday. I agree. Wow! Ang Lee, Annie Proulx (sp?) and McMurtry ... and the stark emptiness of the landscape and heart. Wow, indeed. I'm going to see it again. TJeannie put me on to it. I'm glad she did. The only part that made me feel that the author, Proulx, was a woman, was the initial physical love scene. I didn't get that they jumped in so fast without dealing with Inis' reluctance. What is your take? Not even CARING when I'm supposed to return to work. Sometime after 10 February... I'm going back on the 5th. Shit. A full month. Including A.R.T. (CQ for us). Hope you're well, my good friend...GaP I am alive and kicking. I was delighted to spend time with my son and Jeannie. Now I'm back and in the depths. Something has got to give. I've given it over (I think I said earlier) to the universe ... along with my intention to improve my lot ... I hope I can some (more) clarity soon. Let's keep the dialog going. Thanks, brother. Russ

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