Monday, March 19, 2007

Dodged A Bullet

Salut, Doc... Just got back from a five-day trip...and completely MISSED a whiteout snowstorm/freezing rain melange that botched up everyone's weekend in New England...(Would THIS be the main reason why you don't schedule your family visiting in New England in winter-time? Can't say I blame you...) Really enjoyed the warm weather of Alburquerque, New Mexico...Dry, WARM, sunny weather and the time to ENJOY it...Took a stroll to Old Town and stumbled upon an excellent independent, hole-in-the-wall record store. One of my favorite environments to be in... While I was in a bookstore in the old town searching for post-cards, I examined the music on offer and this old cowboy-gentleman type was talking about some of the local artists featured. He was the epitome of frontier-style gentility, answering, "Yes, sir," "No sir" to whatever questions I had. I should be the one addressing HIM as such...and I did. Really not used to courteous, respectful behavior, sad to say. Therefore, I don't expect ANY from anyone and I keep my emotional distance from my fellow humans. Head-shakingly sad, innit? Anyway, Doc...I hope you and your family are well. Stay British...GaP

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Thinking Out Of The Bottle

There are some magical little moments of humanity that make it all worth it…You get a glimpse of the wonderful absurdity behind reality’s curtain that holds us all together…This morning, this…well, I guess you could call her a street person…bag-lady…whatever. She was pacing around rapidly, spouting non-sequitors to whoever was nearby. She was ambling around as if she were on a mission but she was actually aimless… Meanwhile, across the street, near the bank, there was this street-sweeper singing what sounded like an old blues song. When she came into his range, she began providing him with a counter-point beat, a marching “ha-yup,ha-yup,ha-yup!” sort of rhythm…They worked off each other, their completely different perspectives melding together into a sort of jam-session…A complete surprise and delight…something you can’t pay for or commodify. This was a glimpse into a higher-reality…or at least the wilder shores of sanity…It was a clear view of our shared humanity, how messy and incongruous we can all be to each other…and our commonality. And when I got onto the bus, this older gent, a bit slow, maybe a bit medicated, was rambling on about his childhood in Manchester and the rough-looking lady “translating” for him to the bus-driver was telling this story about how she’d been raped…All of these people…whom society wouldn’t be comfortable with, were providing me with an understanding of humanity that no classroom could ever provide, no philosopher could ever summarize… I also came to a realization yesterday. I am not really meant to be a drinker…okay, I’ll say it…I am an alcoholic…do it in caps…ALCOHOLIC. I had this long talk with Bill about it and he agreed to be my watchdog over whether I’ve had too much. So we hunkered down to watch more of 24 Season 3…I had three beers over the course of the three hours…but the whole time it was a considerable effort to slow down…I wanted to get DRUNK…and it was an effort of will to pace myself. I woke up with a slight headache. I decided that it was not something that I wanted to really deal with…but the lure of alcohol and the romance of the ribald, boozy, comraderie is a strong one…So that means I have to think of what to do if I find myself in situations where I would be offered a drink…a glass of wine or whatever? Do I pass? Do I nurse? Am I just obsessing? With booze, I seem to know when to stop but I tend to drink too fast…because I’m in a hurry to get buzzed, to get DRUNK. Not good. And that has to be addressed. In addition to this, I think I’m undergoing an identity-shift…similar to when I lost all the weight when I was a teenager, comparable to when I had to come to grips with my sexuality…I’m ready to change. I seem to be drifting out of comics(which I’m trying to resist…that’s a HUGE part of my identity that I don’t want to leave behind…), becoming closer to another person who is VERY important to me…important enough not to botch up with nascent alcoholism…,and there also seems to be this need for clarity. Maybe it’s a manifestation of finally getting off my ass and doing something with my life…finding success and fulfillment in a way that works for ME… Let the adventure continue…GaP