Thursday, June 23, 2005

Charting The Course Of...A "Relationship"?

Some e-mail exchanges that might be of interest between myself and...another. G-- I can not find the proper words to tell you how much you mean to me without including the infamous "L" word. So I'm just going to leave "that word" well enough alone. You are at a point where you are still searching for the correct thing that fits your life and I am at a point where I have waited far too long to experience any kind of "affection". So at this cross road in both of our lives, it's best to play things cool and take it day by day giving each other any room that is needed to find what fits us both the best. Does that make any sense to you at all? Keeping in mind I'm still buzzing from a few too many Hornsby's. LOL ! No matter how many Hornsy's, I know what I feel deep inside and I know what makes me feel like a whole human being for a change. I know I would still be a lump in a huge pile of crap if it had not been for meeting you. I Cherish the times we share together and each time you leave is becoming more and more difficult. I know I need to spread my wings and test the waters, so to speak. But that is a very difficult thing to do when I care so much for what is right under my nose. I hope by me saying these things to you doesn't drive you away from me. If you need space and if you need time to find happiness, then I am willing to step aside so you can find it. I read you blog and I am honored that you saw fit to enter what I had written to you about Ray and how friends that care about friends is very important. I could go on and on about telling you how much you mean to all the people who care about you but you don't have the time, plus your head would swell. LOL ! Hope we can do Wednesday evening. You already know I'd cancel any plans to keep a date with you. Thanks for the new music. I already loaded the IPOD. latest count.... 695 songs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B-- XO ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, B-- No worries about that, B--. I'm not running in fear and panic yet. Okay, let's just put it this way, my friend. The feeling is mutual. I'm not eager to leave the warmth of your company, either...As a matter of fact, you made the observation last time that maybe I had gotten myself into more than I had planned on...or words to that effect. You're a perceptive gent. I like being with you, talking with you, hanging out with you, as well as the intimacy. I'm not going to go crazy and use the "L" word just yet. If YOU want to use it, I won't bolt. If you don't want to explore and see what's out there, I'm not going to force you. If you're happy where you are, that's cool. I would just urge you to take advantage of whatever unlikely situation that should come up. (Like, say, you flashing a smile to a waiter with a receding hairline that leads up to a roll in the hay.) Sample what's out there if it just happens to come to you is all I'm saying. If Don(he of the supposedly elephantine uncut penis)had gotten in touch with me, I WOULD have gone to town on him and that's all it would have been: a booty call. If I run into some handsome doctor/lawyer-type on the plane who flashes me a smile between sips of scotch, I will have a roll in the hay with HIM, knowing full well that it's a ships-passing-in-the-night situation. Does this bother you? I will be happy to meet up with you on Wednesday and even spend the night. Let me know if you're in the mood to see the CHASING AMY extras and/or DOGMA. Saw BATMAN BEGINS today. Very cool. Batman for adults. He even faces two villians even though it doesn't seem like it...R'as As Ghul(Liam Neeson) and The Scarecrow(Don't Remember the actor's name...) but it all hung together pretty well...Like to see it again... And of course, I bought some music today that I didn't really NEED. But what the hell... Interesting turn of events today...A year and half ago, I extended the hand of friendship to this dude in the Y(partly because he was handsome) and he shot me off at the knees, saying that I was too overwhelming and shit...Since then, I've been harboring a simmering high-school resentment/hatred towards him. So today, after all that time, he starts talking to me, asking me if I was a steward and all that...I was cold to him at first but then he apologized for his previous behavior and starts pouring all the details of his life...Check it: At that time, he was going through a depression, he's now actually HOMELESS, living in his car, using the showers at the Y(he's actually pretty clean), and collecting his mail at a P.O. BOX...He used to be computer engineer(big shock...has the personality for it too) and now wants to pursue a career in abnormal psych. Specifically, the field of suicide prevention because he got a ladyfriend of his admitted into the C---- Medical Center. Fascinating... Talk to you soon, buddy...XO ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay my friend. I'll tell you where I'm at and what I did this afternoon while waiting for the kids to arrive. You remember I told you I had written to a guy in Yahoo personals? Well I had asked to meet him and he writes back saying it's hard to meet because of working so many hours, working on his house, looking after his sons and daughters. He said he might be able to go for a coffee early Saturday morning before he goes to play golf. Then in the next line he said he wasn't just after a buddy to do things with and go places. He was also after hot man to man wild sex and wanted to know if I was up for that. Fine! But when is this guy going to find the time for anything? I wrote back to him and told him I was ending this relationship right now before it even starts. I told him he don't have the time to be "playing around" he's too busy wrapped up in his own personal life. So I wished him luck in finding someone who fits well in his busy schedule. tah tah!!!!! What do you think? Think I was wise to tell him to take a hike? Or do you think I should have followed through and take a ticket? Well G--, part of the reason I gave this guy his walking papers was the fact that I can't bare the thought of trying to find another person to be intimate with. I'm a hopeless romantic as you very well know. And you are right,, I am happy and very comfortable with the way things are right now in my life. As far as you grabbing a quick roll in the hay with that handsome doctor or lawyer. Well, deeeeeeep down inside of me hurts just a tiny bit. I'd be lying to you if I said it didn't. But I know you much better than probably you think I know you. And I also know that those "quick little rolls in the hay" are nothing more than what they are. A quick roll in the hey. They don't mean anything except personal satisfaction at the moment. I would never stand in your way or say " I wish you wouldn't do that" You know what's best for you. Your a free man to do whatever you wish and you don't need me or anyone telling you what's best for you. And God knows you sure don't need my permission to have a fling. So go for it G--. I just wish I could be that way. But I'm learning. :-) Wednesday evening is great. Yes I do want to see the Chasing Amy extras. And Dogma. I'm not sure if Dogma might be too late if I have to be at work the next morning. Bring it anyway and we'll go from there. I am elated that you want to spend the night again. You sure know how to make me hot even through a email. LOL ! Even though I have to leave early the next morning doesn't mean you need to pack up and move on. You can sleep as late as you like. Stay as long as you want. Remember when I told you my house is your house? I don't extend that offer to many people. You,,, I care about and trust you. Your welcome here any time you wish, day or night. Well it's getting to be bed time right now. Tomorrow is going to be a hot one. I'm taking the roadster to work tomorrow. Probably be too hot too drop the top. LOL ! Let me know about what you want to do for Wednesday ? Do you want me to pick you up? Are you walking over and what time will be be here? Would you like to have dinner with me here? Or go out for dinner? Fill me in on the details, okay? Later B-- XO P.S. You can use what ever you like for your blog. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hm. B--. Sounds that you may have been a very wise man. Reading your account, it seems like he's already setting up the premise to jerk you around HIS schedule. He'll say Saturday in the A.M.---You'll mentally prepare for that...and then he'll pull out at the last minute. If he even gets in touch with you at all. I've experienced this myself and B---(from Maine) advises that married men are just aggravation.) Actually, that sounds a bit like Don's M.O.---or it could just be the closeted married man programming. Depressing. And these words may come back to haunt me but the thought of you looking around for someone online bothered me just a bit too. Meaningless, by-the-way sex is one thing...but B--- you are MORE than that to me. You're a kind, cute, and gentle guy...plus I can play around with all of your toys. Again, I'm wary of the "L" word. Interesting. My feelings mirror your own. (About being hurt a TINY bit...)But what do you think? Should meaningless carnal opportunities be passed up? They don't happen very often. Am I just trying to have my cake and eat it too? I admit, I'm not that far out of the starting gate ahead of you. Any thoughts you may have would be welcome. And there's nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic. It's part of your charm. Wednesday is going to be a school night for you so I'll just bring over the Chasing Amy extras. You'll probably be spending a bit of time loading in whatever new tunes that I bring over for you. (Yesterday at Newbury's, I fell victim to enjoying whatever music they were playing overhead and buying the disc. ARCADE FIRE--"Funeral". Yeah, like I have the cash to experiment.) Most likely, I'll be walking over. But if any of that should change, I'll let you know... Talk to you soon, handsome...G-- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good morning G-- I'm sipping my coffee getting ready to head out to hell for another day of fun and games with children I baby sit all day. ( my job ) Yes I like the way you put it for Wednesday night. "A school night" . That's for sure and in more ways than one. I feel a learning curve coming our way. I feel a need to discuss the events that is going on around us, that involves us. I feel a need to look you in the eyes and tell you everything we have been discussing over the last few days. I am really afraid I will loose you. I want you to look into my eyes and read that it's okay to follow your desires. If you see an opportunity to experiment and should feel some guilt because you are afraid to hurt me. I want you to know that it's okay,, I truly understand. Got to run now and get to work. Write to you soon Here goes, sit down. buckle up, I love you G-- B-- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- B--... I read your e-mail and I want to respond...but I'm under the influence. So Christ knows how it would come out. But one thing I WILL say is this: I like being with you, B--. The fact that it's hard for me to leave your place is a clear indicator. But we will talk. Tell me what's on your mind. Because the last thing I want to do is hurt you... Have no fear, my friend. We are rational adults. We will get our points across... See you tomorrow, handsome...G--

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