Monday, September 26, 2005

Brand New Pervading Sense of Doom...and a friend's response

Hello, Russ... (Hi G--,) You ever just get tired? Of humanity? The Way Things Work? (Yes, I do.) Ghandi once said "Be the change that you want to see in the world." Shit, I don't have that much energy anymore. I wish I could be that warm life of the party that people naturally gravitate towards. One of those people that get things done, follow their dreams, and just have a love of life and humanity that generates this feeling of goodwill. The kind of that you get when a good circle of friends...or better yet...a set of strangers get together and become friends over a chat over a few drinks in a pub somewhere. The seeds are planted where potential friendships can blossom. (That scene is a fiction for the likes of you and me. We aren't the "hail fellow, well met" types. Once in a while we can enjoy the casual pub atmosphere, truly enjoy light hearted and shallow conversations ... but then the deeper places call and we have all we can deal with just maintaining life in the gravity of our thoughts.) I don't have the energy to reach out anymore, to just strike up a friendly conversation with any old person propping up the bar. I've drifted towards being suspicious or at least wary of strangers in general. Too many soundbite-parakeets and conventional-thinkers out there. Or maybe that's being judgemental. (It's not where you are right now. And a lot of people are conventional. That's how we've gotten into the mess we're in.) I don't know. It's just hard shaking this pervading sense of doom. And oh yes, my colleagues all had things to say. Between now and January 1400 flight attendants will be being furloughed. The morale is one of Death Row Resignation. At least on my part. But it WOULD be, wouldn't it? (How's your seniority number? Yep ... it's a grim time around the salt mine. I think the airline will be about half it's current size when this is all finished.) When I went to visit my dad, I there was this autumnal nse of ENDING as I sat on my dad's porch, watching the last days of summer go by. I wondered what was coming to an end? My job? My hopes and dreams? My dad's existence? He told me that he'd just completed his last will and testament and that all things were in order. He's accepted his personal autumn. There's just such a sense of quiet futility hanging over me lately. (I'll bet your feeling was brought on by the will talk and the airline running aground. Like all feelings it will pass. We are not our feelings; they are conditions we experience; like hot and cold.) Is there a point to all this? Existence and humanity in general? (Yes there is. But from my position here just a millimeter above the primordial ooze I can tell what it is. I'm sending you a book by a professor here at the University of Virginia. If the premise of his department's research proves to be true we'll find that we don't have a whole lot of choice about life. We're in it, we always have been ... the only choice we have, perhaps, is how to live it.) I forewent going to the Kraz today because of a)boredom b)funds c)hangover-burnout d)that old standby good, old-fashioned apathy. (Listen to your self. Listen to what is going on inside. And then don't judge it. Again ... just experience it. By adopting this attitude I've learned that I don't have to fear the fall out of my emotions. And when the fear goes away the depth of the emotions increases.) Ah least the love-interest is going okay. I haven't managed to fuck THAT up, anyway... (That's good. It's good to not be alone.) Hope all is going well with you, Captain...Praise the Karmic Wheel and Pass the ammunition...GaP (Sounds like a good plan to me!)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

An Interesting E-Male...

Holly... Sorry to keep you waiting on this subject. I haven't had a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts about this. I came to the realization in increments around back in 2000. After an approach from an extremely attractive lady named Julie and my second go-around with Carolyn, there was some deep irrational fear buried there. And a deep depression. As if I knew that if I WAS going to be with women in an effort to be so-called NORMAL, I would be living a lie, burying my true self. Then in November of 2000, I was working with a colleague out of town when the urges started coming up...You know...fawning over men that I thought were attractive. The realization wouldn't go AWAY, much as I tried to PUSH it away, to shut it out. I fought it and fought it...It fucked my mind up so much that I sought therapy and I was knocked into the manic depressive-state that BOTH of our moms are so famous for. I literally thought I was going crazy. I gradually came to terms with it with the help of good friend. Liam, Ray, and surprisingly, your mom...being raised a Catholic, I thought she would have been completely FREAKED. But she said to me..."It doesn't matter. You're my brother." So during the therapy, I was prescribed some meds which have worked well to this day. (I believe your mom was also on Celexa.) One particular incident that I found ironic. My dad doesn't know. Or doesn't let ON that he knows. But when I was in the throes of denial, I was up in Quebec visiting him. We were visiting my uncle's camp. It's a haunt where the menfolk usually go to take a break from being husbands, have a beer(or twenty), and just shoot the breeze. So a couple of my uncles were there, some of their friends...and this tall, white-haired, virile lumberjack-suited type. I kept looking at him and then jerking my head away. I was ATTRACTED to him...I was in torment trying to deny it. ("noNoNO...Not ME! I'M NOT GAY! I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY! I DON'T WANT TO BE THE FREAK AGAIN!") So dad I are driving back to his camp and I casually inquired about the new face that was at the camp. "You mean, de queer?" "What?" "That guy likes men." "Up here in THE BACKWOODS?"(Hoping that I don't sound too aghast.) "Yeah. He doesn't have a girlfriend but it's general knowledge that he likes men." Blew MY mind. I would have thought that such a concept would have been anathema out there in the sticks. So basically, most people in my life know. (George and Cindy don't. Jennifer does.) In the end, the person hardest on me was MYSELF during this whole thing. I learned about identity and expected behavior. I realized that I didn't HAVE to like Broadway showtunes or interior decorating. Or talk with a lisp. As a matter of fact, effeminate queen types make me roll my eyes. (Bear in mind, I believe that sexuality is a spectrum and not a line of rigid behavior-boxes. I think that swishy men can't HIDE their feminine traits so they amp them up, camp them up and use them as an armor. I'd probably do the same thing.) I've experimented with a various run of men along the way and as of this writing, I'm in some kind of a relationship with a local man. A good man. He's a kind, gentle, generous soul and I'm the first man he's ever been with. I don't know of this relationship's eventual outcome but for now, it feels good. Honesty and communication is key. Because the mindgames and drama out in the gay-male world makes you want to stay celibate, relegate the rest of your life to a series of one-night stands or late night pleasuring sessions in front of a computer-screen. So there you have it. The annotated version. Any questions you may have, please let me know. There was a time that I desperately wished someone could wave a magic wand and I'd be heterosexual..."normal". Now, I wouldn't change a thing. Because a huge puzzle-piece has slipped into place. Growth and change is always ongoing,(like deprogramming myself from my mom's influences) but that was a big quantum leap for me. My walk along the path continues...

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Mumbai Vs. New Orleans

A forward from a friend's friend......................................... You’ve guessed it, this came from a friend in India….. I couldn’t' stop making this comparison.. inches of rain in new orleans due to hurricane katrina... 18 inches of rain in mumbai (July 27th).... 37.1 population of new orleans... 484,674 population of mumbai.... 12,622,500 deaths in new orleans within 48 hours of katrina...100 deaths in mumbai within 48hours of rain.. 37. number of people to be evacuated in new orleans... entire city..wohh number of people evacuated in mumbai...10,000 Cases of shooting and violence in new orleans...Countless Cases of shooting and violence in mumbai.. NONE Time taken for US army to reach new orleans... 48hours Time taken for Indian army and navy to reach mumbai...12hours status 48hours orleans is still waiting for relief, army and electricty status 48hours later..mumbai is back on its feet and is business is as usual's most developed nation India...third world country.. oopss...did i get the last fact wrong??? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- And the fiery response from another friend............................................. Steve: Is this payback time or what? How many people died in the streets of India last night? How many "terrorists" were killed by Indian troops in Kashmir? How many Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Sikhs have been killed in the past 6 months in India because someone spit in the wrong direction or failed to worship the right idol? Bush and Blanco and the congress screwed up big time in Louisiana and Iraq( Bush/Cheney). But gloating by a Brahmin from India is in very poor taste. Oh yes, I forgot to ask how many wives were burned for lack of a sufficient dowry. And how many of the hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of recent immigrants to the US from India have served in the Peace Corps, the military or any other humanitarian work at low pay and long hours? Take care Ed

A Reminiscence From Vermont

Some thoughts from a free-thinker in Vermont... awoke shortly before dawn this morning, September 9, 2005. I lay there and knew that, at that exact moment, forty years earlier, shortly before dawn on September 9, 1965, the eye of Hurrican Betsy crossed over New Orleans. I was awake, inside my home in New Orleans at that moment. I had watched the street in front of my parents' home fill with water all through the night. I watched a small Toyota automobile float from one side of the street to another, finally lodging on a row of hedges in between two house, a couple doors down. When the eye crossed, it was eerily, suddenly silent. Pitch black, and silent. The next morning, I went fishing, standing on the sidewalk and casting out into the street. I caught two fish. Neither was as large as the one that's been photoshopped into this picture of the two Presidents Bush. But it really did happen. In my case.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Tasty Cookies

This is one of the stupid little things that make me happy. A very good friend of mine had one of these when I helped to move him TWICE. During the slavish trudge of lugging boxes up and down stairs, I would go open and flip this little guy's mouth open to hear him go...Oh, just go ahead to the link and play the audio-clip. I couldn't do him any justice. But I LOVE the Crocodile Cookie Creature. He brings joy to many...See if you don't agree... ><

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Psychic Vampires

Just returned from two consecutive trips from to and from AMS. I must be far more frayed from this job than I thought when a friend i.m.-ed me today asking me if I was working today. "No. F--king. Way." ...was my reply. I'm not sure if passengers are getting weirder and more high-maintenance or if my patience is going down. But there are people out there that just DRAIN you...or seem deliberately to step on your toes...or don't even have the most rudimentary social-interaction skills. You can have indignity upon indignity heaped upon you, you can endure a BARRAGE of undiluted stupidity and rudeness and you're supposed to have this breezy, professional, pleasant demeanor. Unfortunately, my bullshit-tolerance level isn't UP there. (I could NEVER be a waiter. God Bless those people whose paychecks depend upon the whims of a capricious public.) So I do my best to ignore things, walk away from ridiculous melodramas, and be innocuous once my service is done. The brutal cuts from upper management have morale WAAAAY down. So you draw into yourself, try to ignore the morale-decaying rumors, and make it through another trip. Try to focus on the good people. We had to divert into Brussels the other day. Our Captain was gallant enough to make an announcement kindly prompting them NOT to vent their frustrations on the cabin-crew. It was a simple act of kindness that made our bleary-eyed 2-hour sit there a bit more bearable. Ah, the glamour of air-travel